Its along road after all

One thing I've learned from everything is that everyone lets go different. We say with our month that we forgive them but yet with our heart we speak something different or we let go thinking that they can't never be the same or be made different. I tweeted the other day "just because chapter 7 turned out to be a long chapter full of drama and hell, don't mean that chapter 8 and the next chapters will be full of the same mess." Alot of times we just the "books" down when we don't like the way one chapter turns out to be. We miss out of something great because we are too afraid to really let go and move on. I've learned this as well is that we mess out of our own blessings by saying "I am done and it's over." I realized that it's not done nor is it over until God said it is. We like to call things to be over but however we aren't prepared spiritually for it to be over. I've learned that no matter how many times I've prayed and asked God to give me the strength to let go of this and that or even them I can't. I never thought that being spiritually connected was real until I actually having feelings and seeing things that I didn't know what it was until I asked God what was going on. So He revealed to me what it was. Honestly I don't want to spiritually connected to someone that don't want me can't stand to be around me, don't want to talk to me. I prayed and I asked God to just remove the connection all together because I don't want it. For months I've prayed and I've asked God to work things out differently. So yes do I have an attitude with God yes I do. Do I want this connection no because the person that I am connected to don't want me. So do I give up the fight??? Do I continue to pray for them and just walk away because clearly they don't want me because of my past. Ugh, What do I do? Being a christian a saved christian will cause for you to be connected to people that don't even what you around them. That's messed up in so many ways because you want to be there for them and you want to be around them just for them to talk to you but however because of the stuff that you have done that will never take place anymore because of the things that you have done so now they can't trust you but however we all have done some things that we ourselves would be so surprised that we actually did it. HA, I didn't mean that as an excuse to nothing that I've done. But the Lord has freed me from my past so if the only thing you can talk to me about is the past thing yes, I do think its best that you keep your distance from me. Why? Because we have nothing to talk about I am moving forward and if you are moving forward also then the past shouldn't exist. I asked a few people that has been through worse and why did they stay or give that person another chance and their reply was because through the mess I realized that God has brought me through some stuff and in that person yes they was mad and has done some stuff that their friends told them to walk away from they would never change they ain't nothing and will never be nothing, they told me that they saw something still in that person and taking that risk was one worth taking. At that moment I wanted to tell them what I've done but they told me that if they love you enough to look past you and see the stuff that they have done in their past then really forgiving you and moving forward and letting God take full control then they would be back. So then I said to myself that I still believe even if they don't believe. It's a long road after while. This one person stocked me and told me of the things that was done to them and they said all thought many people was hurt when God placed them back together gave them the strength to really forgive and forget alot of people that wasn't for them showed them their true colors. Alot of times when we go through alot of people would show us how they feel about us by their actions either during or after but alot of people stick around after the dust has settled to see whats your next move. Believe it or not that's when they make their move either to stick around or leave. It all depends on your actions and the decisions you make in the long run. So what am I trying to say right now... Let God direct you and when He do direct you don't fight it nor try to find doubt in it. If someone has changed look in the door to check of them. Don't be so quick to throw in the towel because of a bad season. One thing I told God was this I am not going to stop praying for this until you make it happen. Sometimes God wants to see how much you really want something before He gives it back or to you. Actually I am ready for the next level.... I messed up but I am ready for what's next. God you lead and I'll follow.

Being pushed

So much is stirring up in my spirit. I don't know who is gonna read this blog but however I want you to know that everything is gonna be alright. I want you to understand that everything happens for a reason and that before you call your season to be over ask God the reason. The bible says in all thy getting get a GOOD understanding. Alot of time we sick and we look at the pain that is taking place in our life and we look at the scars that are left behind and we hold on to them as a reminder of the past but little do we know that after awhile as we become older those scars that was once there will soon fade away. One day I found myself going through trying to figure out where to go and how to go about it. I found myself trying to work things out on my own only to realize that the more I tried to work things out the more I found out that things wasn't getting any better but was getting worse by the second. I thought I had it under control but realize that the more I thought I had it under control the more I was losing control. So finally in the last of the days of me being in that season because we do realize that we all go through different seasons? At the end of the reason I found myself looking unto God like never before trying to figure out what was going on and where was I. I would stand in the mirror and see a stranger. I would go to church day in and day out covering up my pain. I was looking at the point of spiritual death. I would praise God tell him thank and that was that. I would sing, pray and even speak from time to time feeling like blah. So one night found myself laying in the dark and all I could hear was a voice asking me if I was done yet? And without any pause or thinking I said yes. Sad to say that everything didn't start to turn around for me. My sleeping pattern was still off and I was still feeling blah! So finally I prayed unto God asking him why was I going through this why was all this happening to me? Why now? So DAYS after WEEKS AFTER I finally got the answer. The Lord said He needed to get the old Jazzmin out of me. He had to let the old Jazzmin run until it realized that it could not beat the new Jazzmin. The reason why you went through so hard was because your New woman was standing behind your old man pushing her out the way. So I got confused and like most people I told God I didn't understand His point. So he said this for awhile you would find yourself in the moment where you wanted to be happy but couldn't find away to be happy. You was looking for joy in all the wrong places and at all the wrong times. You wanted peace but the old you was blocking you. I needed a chance to get you to come running back to me. So yes for weeks I let you go through like never before do things outside of your character I had to let the old Jazzmin run her course because she's stubborn. God told me that it was like the story of Job God allowed the devil to run his course with Job. So I asked God so is that why the more I asked you to get me out of things the more you told me no and His reply was yes. The reason I am telling you this is because sometimes we need to let God take control of things. I was looking at the point of death. I would have times where I didn't know what to do nor who to turn to. In my weakness was when God stepped right in and got behind the NEW me and help push the OLD me out of the way. So I write this blog to let you know that your coming out of things.  Don't ask God to stand next to you nor to carry you through but this time ask God to get behind you and give you a push. Sometimes a push is all we need. Don't ask him to pull you out because you might get hurt or something might pop out of place but to just give you a push. I realized that thats why it was so easy for me do the things that I was doing thats why it had become not of me to do those things because I allowed people to pull on me every which of way. So instead of me asking God to push me out of the situation I asked him to pull me out of something. Look at it like this in the winter alot of us has found ourselves stuck someway somehow and alot of times people would come along and ask us if we needed to be pulled or pushed out of the snow bank and depending on how we was stuck most of us would agree to being pulled out not realized that when we are pulled out we can't see whats in front of us but that person and we also don't realize that while we are being pulled out we causing damage to our bumper. You ask where am I going with this.... Well I am glad you asked that, the next time someone ask you if you need them to pull you out of a situation tell them, tell them you would rather be pushed because when I am being pushed out I am realized that some force is coming from behind me and I am able to see whats in front of me. I am prepared to slide into the direction that I am meant to go in. So whatyou might go through a light so what you might run the risk of someone running into you and when they do don't let it destroy you but let them that ran into you know that you have full coverage assurance. I realized that when I was finally pushed out and the new Jazzmin told God Lord you lead and I'll follow that was and has been the best thing that has happened to me. I was afraid of change I thought it could not take place in me but I then realized that I was going through to realized that I needed to change. Many may not understand me and they maybe the ones that is around to remind me of my past but however unlike like before that is behind me. So I leave you with this things may not be looking up for you right now or things maybe looking funny remember that there is always someone standing behind you to PUSH you into place.

Thoughts concerns

While watching TV the other night I heard someone say that it's time out for the hype sayings that is often said in church on a daily and ir made me think about it. Alot fo times many people would get up and preach on nothing about sayings that they made up while walking into church or heard on the way in. When will we realize that the sayings are the Word of God and that believing in those sayings will get us no where but a nice sit in hell. Never was I the type to do what eevryone was doing. I was always told not just listen to what someone tell you but actually hear them because you can listen and that don't cause no attention on your behalf but hearing what they are telling you cause for you to pay attention. Come to realize that alot of people say things in hopes of you not hearing what they say. We need to take out the pride that is in us and can it right along with our fears. Everyone wants to be holy give a listening ear and help those but never do we want to get help nor do we want to help those that is crying out for some help. We help who we want to help. I asked the question before what do you do when the covers are removed from your life? How do you react when God shows you how your not perfect and you have made some mistakes here and there. We never want for God to reveal who we really are but yet we are so quick to act fake when we feel like it and normally that happens after God has blessed you to recieve a Word and after you have cried out and asked God to forgive you and to change you for the BETTER. Every wants to be saved but no one wants to take on the cost of being saved. I realize not only is it dangerous for us to be some fake saints but it's moreso dangerous because you never know who your entertaining. The word says be careful of how you treat stangers because you might be entertaining an angel unaware. I took that word and I read in between the lines because I know that God has away of using people. So I don't just say be careful of the way you treat stangers but moreso be careful of the way you treat people period. You never know if they was that test that God sent your way and you walking pass them acting all fake and super saved and not speaking could be that ticket to keep you out of hell. Alot of things run through my mind right now because God has allowed me to see so much to the point where it makes me sit back and really re-adjust my life to the way God wants me to live it through him. I realize that everyone isn't meant to know about your personal life. Everyone isn't meant that inside look into your life like that. Not saying that you have something to hide becasue if you did then God will reveal just that plus more. But what gets me so upset about things is when I see a Pastor becoming too common with his members. Yes, it is good to know your members and its good for them to know their Pastor. However, it is not good for your members to have that always never closing open too open door type of relationship. I don't want my Pastor to call me by my nickname during service after service outside and inside the church. I don't want him to even know my nickname and I don't want to his nickname. I know that everyone that fills the church isn't there for church. Some are there to get what they need to destroy you. Thats why I do believe why alot of drama happens with the Pastor and his church because he becomes too common with his people. A lack of respect tends to take place. You can be there for them but that one moment when your not there for them its smoke in the city. We don't look at the true danger of it until something to happens but later after its all over we're back to being common... You know chilling at the members houses or they are chilling at our house. Next we fid ourselves telling the members things about us that we don't want or mean to tell anyone. Thats irritates me like never before because I know hoe dangerous it is to become common with the memebrs of the church. May would say that the memebrs of the church are their family because their real family is never there for them but what a minute lets pause for a minute.... The reason why you REAL BLOOD family isn't there for you is because your never there for them in return. The only time your there for them is when you need them and after you get what you need your gone. I know how it feels to have evry last secret told by someone that said they love you and was there for you. In which takes me to my next point. Call me mean ir wrong but Pastor's need to know when to mind their own business. The reason why your Pastor is so common with you is because he don't have no business of his own. Think back to this when your Pastor had his own business hanging with you wasn't int he picture until he felt like it. But now when your Pastor is down on his or her lucks they want to be around you 24/7. Let me go on record and explain what I am saying. I am saying there is a line that one no should cross from the Pastor to the child. Alot of times the reason why so many things happen to the church is because if that. Every member wants to be able to go to their Pastor but however they don't want to always look up and see their Pastor at their door step. Men and Women of God we need to learn how to stay in our own lanes. A great Pastor knows when to go to his people. I am not going off on no one. I just sharing my thoughts. So many things bother me now days. Maybe thats because I am back and I realized that these are the things that I never wanted to deal with but how I am back I must share my thought. I am not mad at anyone but these are things that bother me and I realzied that with research that I am not the only one that feel this way. The reason why the Pastor has so many problems out of his members is because he has become too common with them. The reason why alot of people fall out with the Pastor is because they think that the Pastor their friends. Never in the description of a Pastor would you see that it says it is ok to be common with the members of the church and to become their friends. Even downsouth in the old days when the members cooked for their Pastor it wasn't to become close to the Pastor. They did what did as a sign of taking care of the Pastor. Their is a difference in taking care of the Pastor and being too friendly with him. This really makes me upset because this is dangerous because alot of people suffer from this because when hurt takes place its hard to heal no matter what and church hurt iis the worse hurt. I wish that we as children of God would learn how to maintain our positions.... From the Pulpit to those that stand on the door. Your so common with your members Pastor to the point where when its time to honor you its always a sad month. People don't want... well I don't want and I can fidn some people that can agree and say that they don't want a Pastor that is like a friend but someone to guide them help them and moreso teach them the word of God because the first moment that they(the Pastor) mess up the people will look at that. People want a cool Pastor but not a best friend Pastor. So lets wake up while we are trying to take our cities and etc back and get back to the days where the Pastors preached adn teached the word of God and gave a listening ear when it was called. Not the day when he is like our best friend because those that we get close too or allow God to get close to us just might be the ones that is out to take what you have. My prayers goes out to the churches and people that has went through that I just expressed in this blog. I pray that God would heal them and remove the walls that was put up. I pray that the Pastor's be giving strength like never before.

My heart

My heart.... He stands around 6'2 and weighs around alot of pounds..... Tall.... Dark... Yeah that's what he i. When he walks it seems like he is walking on clouds, not too heavy and not too light.... His dress would even make you want to pull out your dress... Hey what you think this is? I don't mess with no bum!!! When he speaks it melts away my pain... Until he gets mad and it puts little ole me to shame. He gives good love, no I don't know what you mean so please don't say it because those are our things. When he hugs me... Goodness letting go makes me break down. His arms is where I get lost only for me to look into his eyes and to see that finding my way is something that would never happen. He gave me his heart only for me to mess over it and like a fool that's what I did. We was happy until the drama came, thought we could get through it all until the last around. Things got hot and things hot heavy.. Oh you think I am talking about sex child please I'll never tell you that. He let me walk only for me to look behind and not see it come after me this time around. I love him and I let him go away and now the only thing I can do is let go because him coming back would be like the hell with AC. I love that man but the same man I love so much I hurt so bad. We're just alike was what one of his close friends told me only to wait things out and let God work the plan.. But yeah that sound all good and what not but I we have a life plan being apart wasn't the plan. The haters came and they saw. I wouldn't put it past some to try to take what was mine. It kills me to know that he is hurting and its makes me take that last breath when he said I couldn't help him. All I want is that second chance but patience is something that I don't have. Nights I cry myself to sleep hoping that once just once in his arms I can wake up to be. Running is what he want me to do but not back to his arms but away from him. Real love just don't go away, it takes its sit on the side to let you get in some play. I love my heart he is as stubborn as stubborn can be, he is strong in every way the others would never be. We been through alot a few times before but things would never be the same is what the voice has told me. So no I don't walk away to make him happy. I maintain my position waiting for him to get the picture. Don't run and don't hide the seed is there waiting for you to help me water it. But this pain it kills because my heart he will always have. The one he loved is back for good but he is too wrapped in his ways to see that she is here waiting for him. Be honest and true to me is what he last said to me but when I try attitude comes from the hid. Can't speak to when your mad because things will not get better. I know your thinking about me everyday and night because I am doing the same when it comes to you. I will not cry and I will not act out another chance is all I a girl want. I love you and I don't want you to forget... I love you from the way you brush your hair to the whole in your socks. She'll never have you because your heart is with me. So we can try to move on and see but at the end of the day both of our minds will be on thee.....

A safe return....

I was once asked repeatly to bring back the woman I fell in love with and each time I was asked that I tried to bring her back only for things to get worse. Well after 2 whole months of HELL I can proudly say that she is back... I am back. I don't expect for things to be the same but however I do expect for the greatness to be better then before. This has been a hard time for me. I have went through a depression like never before. If it wasn't one thing then it was another. I was raped not just phyically but mentally. I went through therapy like it was water only for me to get no where. I was looking at the point of death when I decided to try to kill myself. I couldn't take it no more. I just wanted things my life back and I realized that I wasn't gonna get it back. I thoguht God had forgot about me. I was raped, tried to kill myself and now I am being stalked by someone that I am being told is me. WOW!! How is it that I am stalking myself? I didn't know I could something like that. So raped, suicide attempted, and now being stalked so this is life for me? Many people would tell me to keep praying and praying and I did and nothing changed. I never knew how it felt to be going through something like that. It was told to me that it was an attack of the devil. But I couldn't for nothing in this world would make me realize that it was the devil because I thought the devil wouldn't mess me. I mean I was in church all of my life. I would speak at different churches on different events. I mean church was in me. But then it hit me like never before that I was being attacked and that the more I wanted for God to take me out of the situation he wouldn't do it. So I asked God to step into the situation with me and that's when things started to happen for me. Every gifts that I thought I lost came back to me. The connection that I thought was gone was back. You know it hurts to know that someone is running from you not because they want to run from you but because they don't want things to be the same. They would pull every card they have to get you away from them. I don't sleep since I've been back because I am up thinking about him and the reasons why he is running from me. I know things went south but through God they can get better. He thinks about me I know and wants me back I can feel but he is so stubborn to the point where he is now running and pushing me away. It hurts and everyday is a step for me. The connection is there and its like he don't even care. But a safe return... I wonder when that would happen completely for us.....

Follow your heart

Day in and  day out for 2 now 3 months I found myself asking why me and how can I get him back. I cried and I wanted to talk to him only for me to drive away with this ill feeling that he still wanted to talk to me about something. I am not the one to put my business nor feelings out there in the open for me people to see it but when I love someone the way I love him I just can't let go because they want me to well that's what they moth says but their heart says don't let go because I still want you. I sit up at nights praying and asking God to just bring us back together and the more I go to him with my hand out accepting everything that I've done in one hand and help in the other he is like "I am still angry". Wow, so because your still so angry with me your gonna go out here and flirt and make yourself look so horrible when you don't want to do it. What are you waiting for? You can't let go so why not go and get what you want from me. You say I can't help you heal but your spirit man is telling you to go get some help. I got help and was told that the matters of the heart will always direct you back to where it belongs. Stop taking advice from your fear and learn to live without it. You get up day in and day out asking God to bless you and direct you but when he do your attitude kicks in because you don't want to be where your at. You look over in hopes that I would walk through the door but the last time I did that I got pushed away. Your sick of being hurt and I am sick of it too. Come get me I dare you it will not be a waste of your time. The only reason why you say your gonna be a fool to do it all over again is because your afraid that this time you will be shown wrong. Screaming is what I want to do. Your not the only one that has said something out of anger. But you live and yo go on. Stop running from your true feelings because they just texted me and said they miss  and want me back but your fear is holding them back from getting me. Go where your heart is at. You keep yourself surrounded by work only for when its time to get some rest you don't rest your up thinking about that special someone who has walked to the other side of the room. The lights are off so that's why you can't see across the room, Things has changed but your so busy to see that. I don't know what more do you want to happen but I am not going no where just like your not going no where.

Random

Sitting here with so many thoughts that's currently rooming about in my head. I don't know where to be start at meaning the process of trying to pull my thoughts together. I ask myself am I "super saved"? Am I the only one going to heaven? Ha, I know I know I am not but alot of times we gotta sit back and ask ourselves that when it comes to our lives. I am irritated to the point where I don't want no one to talk to me. Here I am Lord, please take my heart and my mind. I am unworthy to even be considered Your child. I am not perfect, hey the only one that is Perfect gave His own life for someone like myself. How wonderful is it to be able to have a God like the one that sent His son let me back up that came down to earth and wrapped His self in flesh all to just die that we might have a right. I am like wow. So many times we take so many things for granted and not even 2nd guess nothing. We become so quick to catch an attitude, we're so quick to turn our nose up at  each other and for what? We try to fit in with the small or large crowd only for us to get our feelings hurt. Ha, don't you dare try to sit there and say that your too old to be trying to fit in. Sorry, honey that's apart of our DNA its in us. LOL funny right yeah the truth hurt. Look also if your the one that has caused some drama in your life don't get mad at everyone because they are happy. Didn't nobody tell you to do what you did. So look how about you try something and that is called letting go of the past. How can you expect for God to bless you if your holding on to yesterday. You don't want that blessing I sure will take it. Lord, you don't even have to wrap it up and make it look pretty I'll take it how it is. As people we sure do have away of dealing with people. For example we would leave a church that we really love only to visit the church and act "funny". We would put on when the people come around. Please just be yourself. I challenge everyone that's reading this blog to just take 3 days to just be you! I am talking about go without the things that your friends say look good on you, you know the things that you don't like but yet you have it because everyone else likes it. If you always have a complaint about something trying smiling and just letting things float right by you. Umm.... I believe that's what its trying to do anyway. Get out of it's way. If your the one that's always looking for a co signer, try signing things on your own. There is power in you and you'll be surprised about the amount that's there. This past week with everything that's been going on with me, I realized that my life couldn't be anymore better then what it is now. I am learning to wait and I mean WAIT on the Lord and while I am waiting on the Lord I am being BLESSED yes BLESSED on many levels. Stop walking around with your face all twisted up your only making yourself look bad. Lose the attitude because your life isn't going right. When you get home go off but out in public smile you never know who is looking at you.