Saturday, July 9, 2011

Thoughts concerns

While watching TV the other night I heard someone say that it's time out for the hype sayings that is often said in church on a daily and ir made me think about it. Alot fo times many people would get up and preach on nothing about sayings that they made up while walking into church or heard on the way in. When will we realize that the sayings are the Word of God and that believing in those sayings will get us no where but a nice sit in hell. Never was I the type to do what eevryone was doing. I was always told not just listen to what someone tell you but actually hear them because you can listen and that don't cause no attention on your behalf but hearing what they are telling you cause for you to pay attention. Come to realize that alot of people say things in hopes of you not hearing what they say. We need to take out the pride that is in us and can it right along with our fears. Everyone wants to be holy give a listening ear and help those but never do we want to get help nor do we want to help those that is crying out for some help. We help who we want to help. I asked the question before what do you do when the covers are removed from your life? How do you react when God shows you how your not perfect and you have made some mistakes here and there. We never want for God to reveal who we really are but yet we are so quick to act fake when we feel like it and normally that happens after God has blessed you to recieve a Word and after you have cried out and asked God to forgive you and to change you for the BETTER. Every wants to be saved but no one wants to take on the cost of being saved. I realize not only is it dangerous for us to be some fake saints but it's moreso dangerous because you never know who your entertaining. The word says be careful of how you treat stangers because you might be entertaining an angel unaware. I took that word and I read in between the lines because I know that God has away of using people. So I don't just say be careful of the way you treat stangers but moreso be careful of the way you treat people period. You never know if they was that test that God sent your way and you walking pass them acting all fake and super saved and not speaking could be that ticket to keep you out of hell. Alot of things run through my mind right now because God has allowed me to see so much to the point where it makes me sit back and really re-adjust my life to the way God wants me to live it through him. I realize that everyone isn't meant to know about your personal life. Everyone isn't meant that inside look into your life like that. Not saying that you have something to hide becasue if you did then God will reveal just that plus more. But what gets me so upset about things is when I see a Pastor becoming too common with his members. Yes, it is good to know your members and its good for them to know their Pastor. However, it is not good for your members to have that always never closing open too open door type of relationship. I don't want my Pastor to call me by my nickname during service after service outside and inside the church. I don't want him to even know my nickname and I don't want to his nickname. I know that everyone that fills the church isn't there for church. Some are there to get what they need to destroy you. Thats why I do believe why alot of drama happens with the Pastor and his church because he becomes too common with his people. A lack of respect tends to take place. You can be there for them but that one moment when your not there for them its smoke in the city. We don't look at the true danger of it until something to happens but later after its all over we're back to being common... You know chilling at the members houses or they are chilling at our house. Next we fid ourselves telling the members things about us that we don't want or mean to tell anyone. Thats irritates me like never before because I know hoe dangerous it is to become common with the memebrs of the church. May would say that the memebrs of the church are their family because their real family is never there for them but what a minute lets pause for a minute.... The reason why you REAL BLOOD family isn't there for you is because your never there for them in return. The only time your there for them is when you need them and after you get what you need your gone. I know how it feels to have evry last secret told by someone that said they love you and was there for you. In which takes me to my next point. Call me mean ir wrong but Pastor's need to know when to mind their own business. The reason why your Pastor is so common with you is because he don't have no business of his own. Think back to this when your Pastor had his own business hanging with you wasn't int he picture until he felt like it. But now when your Pastor is down on his or her lucks they want to be around you 24/7. Let me go on record and explain what I am saying. I am saying there is a line that one no should cross from the Pastor to the child. Alot of times the reason why so many things happen to the church is because if that. Every member wants to be able to go to their Pastor but however they don't want to always look up and see their Pastor at their door step. Men and Women of God we need to learn how to stay in our own lanes. A great Pastor knows when to go to his people. I am not going off on no one. I just sharing my thoughts. So many things bother me now days. Maybe thats because I am back and I realized that these are the things that I never wanted to deal with but how I am back I must share my thought. I am not mad at anyone but these are things that bother me and I realzied that with research that I am not the only one that feel this way. The reason why the Pastor has so many problems out of his members is because he has become too common with them. The reason why alot of people fall out with the Pastor is because they think that the Pastor their friends. Never in the description of a Pastor would you see that it says it is ok to be common with the members of the church and to become their friends. Even downsouth in the old days when the members cooked for their Pastor it wasn't to become close to the Pastor. They did what did as a sign of taking care of the Pastor. Their is a difference in taking care of the Pastor and being too friendly with him. This really makes me upset because this is dangerous because alot of people suffer from this because when hurt takes place its hard to heal no matter what and church hurt iis the worse hurt. I wish that we as children of God would learn how to maintain our positions.... From the Pulpit to those that stand on the door. Your so common with your members Pastor to the point where when its time to honor you its always a sad month. People don't want... well I don't want and I can fidn some people that can agree and say that they don't want a Pastor that is like a friend but someone to guide them help them and moreso teach them the word of God because the first moment that they(the Pastor) mess up the people will look at that. People want a cool Pastor but not a best friend Pastor. So lets wake up while we are trying to take our cities and etc back and get back to the days where the Pastors preached adn teached the word of God and gave a listening ear when it was called. Not the day when he is like our best friend because those that we get close too or allow God to get close to us just might be the ones that is out to take what you have. My prayers goes out to the churches and people that has went through that I just expressed in this blog. I pray that God would heal them and remove the walls that was put up. I pray that the Pastor's be giving strength like never before.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

My heart

My heart.... He stands around 6'2 and weighs around alot of pounds..... Tall.... Dark... Yeah that's what he i. When he walks it seems like he is walking on clouds, not too heavy and not too light.... His dress would even make you want to pull out your dress... Hey what you think this is? I don't mess with no bum!!! When he speaks it melts away my pain... Until he gets mad and it puts little ole me to shame. He gives good love, no I don't know what you mean so please don't say it because those are our things. When he hugs me... Goodness letting go makes me break down. His arms is where I get lost only for me to look into his eyes and to see that finding my way is something that would never happen. He gave me his heart only for me to mess over it and like a fool that's what I did. We was happy until the drama came, thought we could get through it all until the last around. Things got hot and things hot heavy.. Oh you think I am talking about sex child please I'll never tell you that. He let me walk only for me to look behind and not see it come after me this time around. I love him and I let him go away and now the only thing I can do is let go because him coming back would be like the hell with AC. I love that man but the same man I love so much I hurt so bad. We're just alike was what one of his close friends told me only to wait things out and let God work the plan.. But yeah that sound all good and what not but I we have a life plan being apart wasn't the plan. The haters came and they saw. I wouldn't put it past some to try to take what was mine. It kills me to know that he is hurting and its makes me take that last breath when he said I couldn't help him. All I want is that second chance but patience is something that I don't have. Nights I cry myself to sleep hoping that once just once in his arms I can wake up to be. Running is what he want me to do but not back to his arms but away from him. Real love just don't go away, it takes its sit on the side to let you get in some play. I love my heart he is as stubborn as stubborn can be, he is strong in every way the others would never be. We been through alot a few times before but things would never be the same is what the voice has told me. So no I don't walk away to make him happy. I maintain my position waiting for him to get the picture. Don't run and don't hide the seed is there waiting for you to help me water it. But this pain it kills because my heart he will always have. The one he loved is back for good but he is too wrapped in his ways to see that she is here waiting for him. Be honest and true to me is what he last said to me but when I try attitude comes from the hid. Can't speak to when your mad because things will not get better. I know your thinking about me everyday and night because I am doing the same when it comes to you. I will not cry and I will not act out another chance is all I a girl want. I love you and I don't want you to forget... I love you from the way you brush your hair to the whole in your socks. She'll never have you because your heart is with me. So we can try to move on and see but at the end of the day both of our minds will be on thee.....

A safe return....

I was once asked repeatly to bring back the woman I fell in love with and each time I was asked that I tried to bring her back only for things to get worse. Well after 2 whole months of HELL I can proudly say that she is back... I am back. I don't expect for things to be the same but however I do expect for the greatness to be better then before. This has been a hard time for me. I have went through a depression like never before. If it wasn't one thing then it was another. I was raped not just phyically but mentally. I went through therapy like it was water only for me to get no where. I was looking at the point of death when I decided to try to kill myself. I couldn't take it no more. I just wanted things my life back and I realized that I wasn't gonna get it back. I thoguht God had forgot about me. I was raped, tried to kill myself and now I am being stalked by someone that I am being told is me. WOW!! How is it that I am stalking myself? I didn't know I could something like that. So raped, suicide attempted, and now being stalked so this is life for me? Many people would tell me to keep praying and praying and I did and nothing changed. I never knew how it felt to be going through something like that. It was told to me that it was an attack of the devil. But I couldn't for nothing in this world would make me realize that it was the devil because I thought the devil wouldn't mess me. I mean I was in church all of my life. I would speak at different churches on different events. I mean church was in me. But then it hit me like never before that I was being attacked and that the more I wanted for God to take me out of the situation he wouldn't do it. So I asked God to step into the situation with me and that's when things started to happen for me. Every gifts that I thought I lost came back to me. The connection that I thought was gone was back. You know it hurts to know that someone is running from you not because they want to run from you but because they don't want things to be the same. They would pull every card they have to get you away from them. I don't sleep since I've been back because I am up thinking about him and the reasons why he is running from me. I know things went south but through God they can get better. He thinks about me I know and wants me back I can feel but he is so stubborn to the point where he is now running and pushing me away. It hurts and everyday is a step for me. The connection is there and its like he don't even care. But a safe return... I wonder when that would happen completely for us.....

Follow your heart

Day in and  day out for 2 now 3 months I found myself asking why me and how can I get him back. I cried and I wanted to talk to him only for me to drive away with this ill feeling that he still wanted to talk to me about something. I am not the one to put my business nor feelings out there in the open for me people to see it but when I love someone the way I love him I just can't let go because they want me to well that's what they moth says but their heart says don't let go because I still want you. I sit up at nights praying and asking God to just bring us back together and the more I go to him with my hand out accepting everything that I've done in one hand and help in the other he is like "I am still angry". Wow, so because your still so angry with me your gonna go out here and flirt and make yourself look so horrible when you don't want to do it. What are you waiting for? You can't let go so why not go and get what you want from me. You say I can't help you heal but your spirit man is telling you to go get some help. I got help and was told that the matters of the heart will always direct you back to where it belongs. Stop taking advice from your fear and learn to live without it. You get up day in and day out asking God to bless you and direct you but when he do your attitude kicks in because you don't want to be where your at. You look over in hopes that I would walk through the door but the last time I did that I got pushed away. Your sick of being hurt and I am sick of it too. Come get me I dare you it will not be a waste of your time. The only reason why you say your gonna be a fool to do it all over again is because your afraid that this time you will be shown wrong. Screaming is what I want to do. Your not the only one that has said something out of anger. But you live and yo go on. Stop running from your true feelings because they just texted me and said they miss  and want me back but your fear is holding them back from getting me. Go where your heart is at. You keep yourself surrounded by work only for when its time to get some rest you don't rest your up thinking about that special someone who has walked to the other side of the room. The lights are off so that's why you can't see across the room, Things has changed but your so busy to see that. I don't know what more do you want to happen but I am not going no where just like your not going no where.